I get asked variations of this “who’s your crush?” question quite often and the answer is:
I don’t want “a” crush. I want “THE” crush. Who I may reveal at the end of the post so you better read the whole thing.
It never made sense to me to give a person my extra attention, my thoughts, my imagination, my feelings, and/or my admiration just because someone was good-looking, successful, famous, or excellent. If someone was pretty, she would be just that, a pretty girl, and really didn’t think more about it, google her photos, or research about her.
I don’t like shallow things, and I’ve had my shallow times, and giving my attention to someone who didn’t really care about me has zero appeal to me.
For me, it was, if there was a girl I liked, I would go out with her, she was my crush. She was my celebrity crush, my normal girl crush, my old crush, my young crush, my foreign crush, my local crush. She had all my attention – sometimes too much attention.
My big influence in thinking this way is my father. I remember asking him when I was very young, “Who’s your crush, Pop?” He looked at me like I was asking him a stupid question, and he answered, “Who else? Your mom.”
And that was the only discussion on crushes we ever had – and that I ever needed.
That stuck with me, that no-reservations dedication to one person. That his mind, will, and emotions, imaginations, and actions were pointed at making it work with one person, my mom.
I saw this displayed in how he would interrupt me in my room, say he wanted to show me something, only to find out that he had been spying on my mom cooking. He would tell me, “Isn’t she cute? You get a wife like her.”
I see how this has also influenced my brothers. Joshua has Krisite and Kristie has joshua. They may not have too many of the other things figured out yet, but when it comes to the question, “Who’s your partner?” The answer is fixed. Joseph too once told me something like, “I love the feeling of having one woman. I think of one girl. I serve one girl. I deal with one girl’s issues. I spend time with one girl. I dream with one girl. I love one girl. You single guys have it hard.”
I remember trying to give Joseph advice that I thought was smart, warning him, “If this happens you’re stuck with her, just her, for the rest of your life!” I remember Joe telling me, “That’s the point, David.” My prediction did come true, he’s now stuck with Carla, but he’s better for it.
Looking back, even during difficult times, when my parents would fight, which is more often than most people might think, and since I was home a lot, my dad would start talking to me about how women can be so nuts, how they spend so much, how they don’t know how to stick to schedules, how they change the rules, and before you know it, his tone would completely change and he’d be going on and on about how “the house smells nice because of your mom”, that “she really makes this home beautiful”, that “she really has been so devoted to me”, and how “she’s the most beautiful girl in the world”, and how “it’s my dream for you that you will marry someone like your mother, who will be your partner and your best friend.” Then my dad would walk out, write a sorry note with toothpaste on her dresser mirror, or buy flowers and sashimi, or start a call barrage until she answered, or prepare some endearingly simple message that always had the words “I’m sorry” and “I love you”.
There was no escape, not physical, not intellectual, not emotional, so they worked it out. They had each other, and that was that.
Back then I found the whole thing amusing, this almost childish fascination with one woman. These days we think it’s a sign of maturity to be able to go out with different people without building attachments. I know I believed that once. When people would ask me to describe my dream wife, I would say, “A harem.” and my favorite part in the book of Esther was how King Xerxes got to choose his wife. For those of you who don’t know the story, he basically had his officials send all the hottest girls in the kingdom to him so that he could have one night with each of them and choose which one he liked best. Now if you have a big kingdom that’s a lot of nights.
How stupid I was to think that more is more. How stupid I was to think that more options means greater happiness. Just like more drinks won’t make you happier, they will only make you drunk, more shallow relationships will only make it harder. The more I think about life, and one does a lot of thinking when living alone, the more I realize how upside down the popular culture of this world has it. Here’s my realization:
To truly enjoy the depths of relationship, complete exclusivity is required. The more exclusive you are, the more everything is offered, the deeper, the more fulfilling the joy. If you need more than one person to make you feel special, you’re in trouble, because that means you’re still so affected by the shallows around you. Your needs have made you shallow yourself.
This is why I can’t write this post without going back to God. Because He really loves exclusively and offers everything. He has everything a man wants, yet He wants me most. He has acted perfectly towards me, yet forgives me. He doesn’t need me, yet serves me. He is more beautiful than me, yet He pursues me. This is why no one has to stay in the shallows of their heart.
Maybe I’m becoming more like my dad, changing my tone from “this is ridiculous” to “she’s the greatest”. Maybe it’s because I’m a little older, maybe it’s because being the 7th wheel in every family gathering means team David only gets one vote, which is still a big vote with my stubbornness, or maybe the unthinkable has happened.
I once wrote in my post It’s About What’s Most Important, that someday, I would wave the white flag of surrender and write her name on my blog. In the words of Aragorn from Lord of the Rings, “But it is not this day! This day we fight!”