Love Means Taking Responsibility

I know I run the risk of seeming old-fashioned or conservative with this article, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with either. Being closed-minded, bigotted, and unteachable are obviously wrong, but agreeing with time-tested principles, seeking to grow in timeless virtues, and building on the good work compounded over time is not only not wrong but beneficial in my opinion.

It’s also very easy to prove that many of our opinions, for all ou pretenses of being progressive and empowerd, are just as, if not more, closed-minded, bigotted, and unteachable.

When a person’s “progressive” viewpoint causes them to be unable to even consider another viewpoint, this so-called progressive is closed-minded. When a certain “empowered” person uses their power to tear others down, either overtly or covertly, that person is bigotted.

You see, it’s not having a viewpoint that makes one closed-minded. It’s a mind that is unable to consider other view points – rationally – meaning objectively, meaning with principles that help determine the veracity and value of an idea. The most closed-minded mind is not the critical mind, but the mind that won’t criticize itself. When we are not willing to look for the faults in ourselves before we look at others, and more than we look at others, we will inevitably be closed-minded.

It’s not having a viewpoint that makes one a bigot. Someone can have a totally opposite position as mine on a topic and still not be a bigot. A bigot is someone who is obstinately devoted to a belief system. The belief system people are devoted to today is not even religion. It is the belief of the “Primacy of Me”, meaning, “My thoughts, my feelings, my opinions, my challenges, my experiences, my struggles, my causes, and my everything come before those of others.” It’s easy to blame a religious fanatic or extremist of being bigoted. It’s much harder to admit our own bigotry, simply because self-awareness, honest to goodness self-awareness, is not a natural ability but a skill that must be developed. The truth is this: Our picture of ourselves, the really good or really bad picture, is most usually not accurate. Humans are incredibly prone to believing the surface, the surface of others and ourselves, and thinking that is who they or we are. That’s the surface. The tip of the iceberg. Who I am, who you really are, is much more than our surface persons. Reflection, the act of looking at ourselves honestly, will teach us deeper and deeper things about ourselves, and I don’t think it’s possible for one to journey deep into their own soul and not find darkness. I know this from my own experience. This is why I know I can be bigoted. The undeclared but many times lived-out ideology of the Primacy of Me is strong in me. This inevitably makes me bigoted many times.

This introduction is necessary to open our minds, first to our own closed-mindedness and bigotry, which have made us too sensitive, too easily offended, too easily fatigued by rational discussion, but also to put my readers in a position of consideration. To park preconceived notions, particularly about love, and look at the merits (and demerits) of this point, which is:

Love Means Taking Responsibility. There is no such thing as love without responsibility. If someone says he or she loves but is ignorant to the responsibilities of that love, that person will be a unsatisfying lover. If someone says he or she loves but is unwilling to take responsibility for that love, that person does not love, but merely feels sentiments of romance, and will someday fail.

Loving someone, being a lover, is not merely a feeling, but a role, and like every role, come with responsibilities. Any role that does not come with responsibilities is a meaningless role. Everyone likes the idea of a no-pressure love, a natural kind of love that requires no effort. This is a mirage. It does exist, but it doesn’t last. And usually it spoils us from reaching a greater kind of achieved love, one that blooms not simply because of the randomness of natural causes, but what that flourishes because of the careful cultivation of those who cared for it.

Love means taking responsibility over the flourishing, including the satisfaction, of that which you love.

Being someone’s lover means taking responsibilty over that person’s flourishing. What does it mean to take responsibility? I like to think of responsibility as having two important parts: the power and the accountability. Being responsible means we have the power and abilities to live in such a way that leads our lover towards flourishing, but this also comes with the accountability, meaning there are consequences for us, when we fail to do this, even if we failed because we were ignorant of our responsibility in the first place.

When we have a feelings-first approach to love and don’t have an understanding that love comes with responsibilities, we will be able to rationalize any act if it means making ourselves feel better, even if these acts are things would hurt our lover. This is dangerous for both men and women, for both parents and kids, and for all our other relationships.

When we forget that love means taking responsibility we start evaluating our situations based on feelings and will be unstable. People won’t be able to rely on us if we are like this. How can we say we love someone when that someone can’t rely on us, much less trust us?

Let me put it simply, when you say you love your company, it means you have a responsibility to perform and make the performance of those around you better.

When you say you love your spouse, you have a responsibility to make sure that spouse is better today than when you first committed to him or her.

When you say you love your kids, you have a responsibility to learn how to become a better parent, to master your issues, and to love your kids with wisdom.

When you say you love the poor, you have a responsibility to improve their lives.

If you say you love your country, you have a responsibility to improve that country.

A one-question diagnostic to ask yourself is this: Is this person closer to God, more fulfilled, wiser, more disciplined, and healthier because of me? In other words, is this person better spirit, soul, and body?

To love someone, to love a person, means taking on the responsibility of that person. And what is a person? In a simple way, a person is a Spirit, Soul, and Body. Of what value is someone’s love if it does not improve others Spirit, Soul, and Body.

This is the simple responsibility we all have: To improve the Spirit, Soul, and Body of those we love.

This abstract, undefined, feelings-based, and worthless kind of love is why relationships breakdown. So many lovers are searching for who knows what. No one knows because they’re chasing an ideal feeling of constant security, comfort, and happiness. Any relationship with a person (or persons) like this will fail, even if they stay together. Just like not getting fired from a job is no achievement. Staying in a failed relaionship is, in my opinion, not necessarily an achievment in itself if it does not achieve something greater.

This is why I am very careful with saying, “I love…” I don’t love ice cream. I like it. I don’t love Batman. I like him. I don’t love coffee. I like it. I have no responsibility to care and improve these things. I love Yasmin. I love Elijah. I love my work. I love my Spirit, Soul, and Body.

And it’s because I love God first.

Loving God first means I am responsible to Him first. What does He want from me? To love Him and others. What does it mean to love God? It means to love Him Spirit, Soul, and Body. What does it mean to love God in Spirit? It means to meditate on His word, to pray unceasingly, to connect with other believers, to preach the Good News, and to serve others. What does it mean to love God with your Soul? It means to cultivate your mind, your will and your emotions to make wise decisions, to have self-control, and to empathize with others. What does it mean to love God with your body? It means to train your body to be as effective a vessel of good as possible. To love God doesn’t simply mean to “feel that God is here” or to play worship songs or to give tithes. I am responsible to become a certain person for Him. I am responsible to develop my talents and please my Master. I am responsible to love my neighbour. I am responsbile to love my enemies. I am responsible to live in such a way that pleases Him. I am responsible to repent of my many sins. I am responsible to be a better and better person that others may become better and better people.

When you see a fanatically religious country full of corruption, injustice, and lack of excellence, you’ll find a people who do not understand that love means taking responsibility.

When you see a team who are full of ideals but can’t set aside personal issues to work well together, you’ll find a people who do not understand that love means taking responsibility.

When you see a couple who can’t agree or follow a budget, who can’t agree on or follow a purpose together, who claim more than they give, you’ll find people who don’t understand that love means taking responsibility.

When I look at my own life, at the many areas I have not improved, I am driven to repentance and change because I have conveniently isolated that area when I am responsible to God.

Is it possible to not take on the responsibility? Absolutely. But this is not love. At least not the kind of love that will last and bloom. Besides, when we do not seriously take on our responsibilities for those we love, we provide proof of what we really love: ourselves.

I was talking to a young man about this, and he really seemd bothered by this idea. The idea that love has an element that is natural, that requires hard work, and even forcing one’s self to do things we don’t necessarily want to do. People hate this idea of having to be responsible for others. I asked him, “Do you like the little prince.” (And most hipster millienneials do.) “I love that book!” He said. “I’ve read it a few times.” I reminded him of a part of the book that goes:

People have forgotten this truth,” the fox said. “But you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.”

He was quiet. This hipster millennial, who loved the idea of romance, with a mind filled with ideals, whether it’s ideal ministry, ideal office, ideal work, ideal relationship, or ideal home, who loved romantic books like The Little Prince, had failed to understand the very point of that book: “You’re responsible for what you love.” And the full passage is even more meaningful:

“It’s the time you spent on your rose that makes your rose so important…People have forgotten this truth, but you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.”

People wonder why relationships breakdown. Man has been around for centuries. We know why they breakdown. As much as we want to think “Things just didn’t work” or some external circumstance made the break necessary, the reality is simpler and hits closer to home. We have separated the responsibility of love from the romance of love, and it leaves us all dissatisfied. We have stopped spending time on cultivating our roses because we have forgotten that love means taking responsibility – no matter how we feel.

David Bonifacio

David Bonifacio Husband, Father, CEO of Bridge. #DB

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Baby Kramer - March 4, 2018 Reply

Hi. How do I receive your posts! I love nugget way you write. I found your article via a friend who shared it on FB. Thank you

frescojoel - March 6, 2018 Reply

Hey David! Thanks for the reminder. I agree that love means taking responsibility. But somewhere I think down to the last part of your post, you said something there and feel free to correct me if I understood it incorrectly. I think you mentioned something like because we do not take responsibility and just focus on the romance it leaves us dissatisfied. Initially these thoughts came to mind:
1. So what is the goal then? Was it just about our satisfaction after all at the end of the day?
2. It is not like a guaranteed formula that if I love a person by taking responsibility, they will magically be the best person ever right? It does not follow that if I am responsible to make them better, it is not really tantamount that I am responsible for each and every failure of our relationship right? Or in other words, being a good, loving and responsible parent does not necessarily always equate to the best kids ever right?

And I agree that we have a responsibility both to God and to our neighbor. If I may share this as an addendum or whatnot. I see it as something that because God is who He is, He created us to be the people we are supposed to be. And we are like, we do not have any excuse not to be the best people we ought to be and fulfill that maximum potential as the servant should multiply what the master has already given instead of burying it underground. And I think the key action here is acting upon that faith and belief. Striving with all you got, jumping off that diving board if not climbing that mountain towards the next level, the next goal, because I believe He leads us that way, and He is able, He is sovereign and in control. And that whether we fall, or whether we fail to reach the summit as we strive that way, the goal really has always been with us, and in us, and working through us whether it be our relationships or any human endeavor. He is the most treasured possession after all.

Good day!

    David Bonifacio - March 6, 2018 Reply

    Let me answer your points one by one.

    1. The point is to love one another. What does it mean to love one another? This may mean different things to different people, but to me, to love someone means to lay yourself down for their benefit. What does it mean to benefit someone? I believe to it is to improve others spirit, soul, and body. How do we improve them spirit, soul, and body? By satisfying the requirements of the spirit, soul, and body. Love is a lot more practical than we like to accept. At some point love needs to translate to some form of satisfaction. And satisfaction isn’t simply a carnal thing. Even the Bible says that God satisfies us with good things because He loves us. Connected to this, I am saying that we all have a responsibility to satisfy those we love, but I never said I have the right to be entitled to someone else satisfying me. It’s a mistake to think that just because I need to be responsible to others I can now be entitled to the same treatment.

    2. Again, I never said being responsible would magically transform anyone or nor gave any guarantees. I don’t know where you got that. For example, I think that working very hard at one’s job is a responsibility we all have, but I won’t say this guarantees success at the job. It’s a mistake to think that if we are responsible we will automatically succeed. And I never said that. We need to be responsible regardless of the reality that we can still fail.

    3. I don’t understand the last point well. My simple point of the article is this: when we say we love someone, we can’t say we love them but not accept the responsibility that goes with loving someone. I can’t say I love God and not take on the responsibility to please Him. I can’t say I love my wife and not take on the responsibility to love her. Same with my work and any cause I say I love. And there will be many times I will fail, then I need to try better because I dearly want my loved ones to have the best results I can give them. We want a no risk, no accountability, no pressure love. That’s not true love in my opinion. Again, this doesn’t come with guarantees that you’ll get the same love back, which I never said anyway, but it doesn’t change the fact that if I say I love someone, I am responsible for them.

Baby Kramer - November 5, 2018 Reply

Hi. How do I receive your posts! I love nugget way you write. I found your article via a friend who shared it on FB. Thank you

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