I Found My Blue Sky – Goodbye
Our last night
I wished on
Our last star
I wished for you
Goodbye… So as I watch her drift away from me, I watch with the same joy that the end of the day brings: that as the sun sets a gratefulness wells-up at being privileged to even be a witness. – I Found My Blue Sky
“Stay on this road. You’ll be safe here. You’ll be safe together.”
Abe’s instructions remained in my head, though his voice no longer sounded reassuring. There’s something about the present that alters the original memory depending on what one is currently facing.
Abe had left us to “attend to something”, and we had stayed on the road. Yet it had gotten drier and drier, scorching during the day, freezing at night. It did not feel safe at all. In fact, it felt dangerous.
The road was cracked path of parched dirt, though it remained a straight line.
I could see the toll this quest was taking on Sam too. She was still pretty to look at, the prettiest view in my opinion, but she was changing, and changing fast. I could see the doubt in her eyes. I noticed the hardening behind her smile. I felt myself powerless to reverse what was happening. I only prayed that our difficulties would give way to greener pastures.
“Do you know where you’re going?” Sam asked me from behind.
“No.” I had to admit. “But Abe said to stay on this road.”
“How do you know this is still the same road? It’s such an ugly road.”
“Abe said the road was a straight line. And it lines up pointing to the North Star. I check the sky every night. This is the road.”
“How do you know you’re not imagining things? I find myself imagining food and beaches and parties all day. I hate this heat.”
Sam never used to speak this way. So I turned and looked at her.
“Sam, what’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong? David, look around you. This whole place is wrong.” Tears started to fall down her face. “I’m tired, David. I’m tired. It’s like we’re walking to nowhere. And we’re walking, walking, walking, walking, and everything around us is drying up. We’re alone in this ugly place. We’re running out of food, of water. I’m not made for something like this. Why did you take me here?”
That last question stung. “I thought you wanted to go on this quest with me.”
“You did?” I asked stung even more.
“I mean, I do. I do, David. I’m sorry. I’m just having a hard time. I do. I do.”
“I’m sorry it’s getting hard Sam. But things will get better. Remember that rose you were growing in your backyard? Remember how long we waited for that to grow and all of a sudden it just popped up? Do you remember?”
“A little. I don’t remember a lot right now.”
“Sam, look at me. We’re going to make it. This is going to get better. Trust me.”
“I sure hope so.”
“You don’t believe me?”
“Ok. I trust you.” But I knew she no longer did, at least not fully.
“Things are going to get better for us. I promise.” I told her with as much confidence as I could muster. “Things are going to get better.” “What’s your assurance?” “I’ll find a way. I love you.” I don’t know why I said that but the words just came out. “I don’t believe you.” she replied. Just silence after that.
That night, tired and exhausted, while settling to eat, Sam announced, “I was looking at our supplies, and other than my honey, this is the last of our food. This is our last meal.””Why are you only telling me now?” I irritatedly told her. “I didn’t realize we had so little! You’re the one who kept talking about traveling light!” she shot back. “Ok. Let’s figure this out. Maybe I can find something tomorrow.” “In this desert? We haven’t seen a plant, an animal, a lake, or anything. There’s nothing here!” “I’ll find something! Your whining won’t help!” She started to cry again. It seemed she was always crying. Even as we walked I could hear her sobbing to herself. And when I would ask her if she was fine, she would wipe her face, and smile at me. I had a lot to learn about females. I still do. “Maybe I can be of assistance.” a low, smooth, and confident voice spoke out of nowhere. Sam jumped behind me, and I grabbed the rifle Abe had left with me, pointing it at the direction of the voice. “Who’s there?” “Don’t be afraid. I only want to help. I heard you lady crying, and I thought she’d like something to feel better.” the voice said from the darkness. “Show yourself!” I shouted. “As you wish.” and out of the shadow walked a stately fox with the most beautiful pelt of fur I have ever seen on an animal. “Hello there. My name is Fox. Would you both like to eat?” I don’t know what it was about the fox but I did not like him immediately. “You have something to eat?” Sam asked excitedly. “Yes. Lots to eat. What would you like?” “You mean I can choose?” “Of course you can choose! Where have you been? You’re acting like you’ve been traveling on a ration!” “Well, we have been…” Sam said embarrassed. “Oh excuse my rudeness” the fox said. “I did not know you were. But if you’d like, I can take you somewhere with the finest choices of food.” “Really? We’ve been eating so little. I’ve been dreaming of a feast!” Sam said, getting more excited. “Then tonight, your dreams come true!” The fox proclaimed. “Who are you?” I said, still aiming the gun at him. “David, don’t be so paranoid! He is offering us food! Have you not heard what he just said?? He has a feast!” Sam scolded. “I don’t trust him.” “You don’t trust anyone. You don’t trust anyone but Abe. You don’t even trust me!” “Where did that come from?” I asked surprised. “It doesn’t matter. But I’m hungry. I can’t go on hungry. I can’t go on not knowing whether tomorrow will be full or empty. I can’t go on this way.” “You don’t have to.” the fox interrupted. “Where are you two going anyway?” “To who knows where” I told him. “To who knows where? How very interesting. You’re taking a journey to a place you don’t know. Moreover, you’re going to a place to where NO ONE knows. Ha!” the fox mocked. “Abe knows where we’re going!” I shot back. “And who is Abe? Is there someone else here? I don’t see anyone.” “Abe’s our guide.” I answered. “So much for a guide. He must be an invisible guide.” “He said he had something to do.” “I’m sure.” the fox dismissed. “Anyway, you’re welcome to join me. I’m hungry. I must go and eat.” He looked at Sam as he said this. “David, let’s go with him. I’m so hungry. Aren’t you?” “I am.” “Let’s go then.” “Abe said to stay on the road Sam. I told him we’d stay.” “Abe hasn’t returned in months. We don’t know if he’ll ever return.” “Don’t say that. You’re acting like you don’t know him. You know he doesn’t lie.” “I’m not saying he lied. But what if something happened to him. What if he didn’t mean things. You know how he can be confusing. I mean, even our destination, Who Knows Where, what kind of a destination is that?” “Sam, please. Don’t go there.” “Why not? I’ve been walking this road with you and look where we are now? We have nothing. We’re dying. We’re killing ourselves on this road!” “Listen to me Sam. I don’t trust this fox.” “I have been listening to you. Look where we are! You don’t trust anyone!” Then the fox interrupted our argument, “Is that honey I smell?” “Yes it is.” Sam answered. “May I try? Honey is my absolute favorite!” “It is? Sure.” Sam bent and fed a spoon to the fox. “Heavenly. Just heavenly. Your honey is the most exquisite I’ve tasted. You must take this to our feast!” “You really like it??” “I adore it. Everyone will adore it too for sure!” “Everyone? Who is everyone?” “It’s a feast my lady! A feast! Everyone who is anyone will be there. They will all adore your honey.” I aimed the gun at the fox and prepared to shoot. “David, put the gun down!” Sam shouted. “I don’t trust him. He’s a liar.” And Sam did something I never expected, a moment I can never forget, she stood between me and the fox, and pointed the barrel on her chest. “David, I won’t let you. Enough. There’s a feast waiting and you want to shoot our host. Let’s stop this and go eat.” “Abe said to stay on the road.” I said, lowering the rifle. “Enough of this road! Enough of Abe. Enough of this quest. Enough! Enough! Enough!” Sam fell to her knees crying. “Enough. Enough. Enough.” she sobbed. “My beautiful girl. You shouldn’t be crying. You’re far too beautiful to be crying.” The fox started to sing her a song as his tail wiped her tears. Leave this desert of tears Come swim in the ocean of love Bring your honey, your soul Come swim in the ocean of love No need to hunger, no need to fear Come swim in the ocean of love No need to wonder, no need to ask Come swim in the ocean of love No need to journey, no need to try Come with me to the ocean of love I bent down beside Sam. “Get away from me, David. I need to be alone.” I kicked the fox away, it whimpered then sneered. “Don’t do that David!” Sam said angrily. “Stay here Mr. Fox. Sing that song to me.” “I thought you wanted to be alone…” I wondered loudly. “I don’t want to be with you. Is that clear enough?” And it was clear. It was the clearest conversation we had in the last long days without Abe. I did not know what to say. I just stepped back then turned, and gave her space, as the fox smiled and sang his song. No need for pain, no need for trials Come swim in the ocean of love No need to journey, no need to try Come with me to the ocean of love I don’t remember the details anymore. I was too confused. I walked in circles looking at the stars, hoping for one to fall, so I could make a wish. I would look back at Sam and would see her smiling at the song of the fox. For the first time I felt jealousy, and I had no clue what to do. I don’t know how long it was but I lay on the ground exhausted. Moments later I heard, “David?” It was Sam. I stood, looked at her, and knew. “We’re…” I interrupted her. “I know. No need to tell me” “At least let me explain.” “There’s no need. I don’t need to hear it.” “I want to explain.” “I don’t want to hear it!” I shouted too loudly. She looked at me with tears in her eyes. “I tried, David. I really tried. I’m not made for this. I need assurance. I need something to hold on to.” “Please stop, Sam. You don’t need to explain.” “The fox. He has a feast. And he says they’ll adore my honey there. They’ll adore me. Can’t you see? They’ll adore my honey! They’ll adore me!” Again I asked her to stop. “Sam. Please. You don’t need to explain.” “You never listen David. You never listen. I have to go. You don’t know what it’s like for me. You don’t like my honey. You don’t like anything about me. You don’t…” “Please stop.” Sam quieted down. We looked at each other, not saying a word. I held out my hand. “Goodbye Sam.” She ran to me and embraced me. Instinctively my arms embraced her. She cried on my shoulder. “I really hate you now. I really hate you. You’re so unfair” she said.I don’t know what she meant. I don’t think she knew either. She looked up at me with those eyes, the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. I looked down on her and saw trouble in her eyes. Two fears battling for her soul: the fear of hunger and the fear of regret. She closed her eyes and when she opened them, I knew her decision was made. She chose to satisfy her hunger. She would risk regret. At that moment a light fell and streaked the sky with stardust. I don’t know if she made a wish but I surely did. It was a wish that has never been answered and would never be.I wished for her. “Goodbye David. I hope you survive this journey. You’re a special man…” “Enough Sam. No need to pretend.” I could see the fox watching from afar, its head and tail in proud display. “Goodbye Sam. If you ever need me you’ll know where to find me, on this road to who knows where.” “You’ve done enough for me David. Pray for me. Pray that they’ll love me as the fox promised.” That’s when tears started to form in my eyes. Somehow I knew that her prayers would be answered, that they would love her so selfishly and tear her away, apart, into pieces. I don’t know how I knew but I did. Yet she was asking me to pray for exactly that. “I’ll pray for your best.” I told her. “I’ll pray.” “Let’s go Sam! We’ll miss the feast!” the fox impatiently shouted. “Don’t do this Sam. You’ll regret it.” I pleaded one last time. “Pray for me, David. Goodbye.” I held her shoulders, kissed her forehand, and smiled. “Goodbye.” And she ran to join the fox. I turned to continue my journey on the road to Who Knows Where. As we walked in opposite directions I could hear his haunting melody: No need for pain, no need for trials Come swim in the ocean of love No need to journey, no need to try Come with me to the ocean of love So I walked away.