I found this document recently after Macy and Varsha reminded me that it existed. It was the introduction and table of contents for a book I was writing entitled The Promise We Thought We Wanted. If the title sounds familiar it’s because it’s a play on my dad’s book The Promise No One Wants. Now before you read this, and before you think it was conceived by a chauvinist pig, this was written completely in jest.
So a ‘joking’ chauvinist pig wrote it.
Without further ado, the Table of Contents and Introduction to The Promise We Thought We Wanted:
Table of Contents
Chapter 1: Faithful Partner – Learn from dogs: they’re loyal but they die pretty fast
Chapter 2: In Sickness and in Health – Even when it is her that makes you sick
Chapter 3: In Good Times and Bad – Most of the time she’s good and you’re bad (or is that all the time? I forget.)
Chapter 4: In Joy as Well as Sorrow – Feelings don’t matter. At least not yours…
Chapter 5: Unconditionally – The bad news
Chapter 6: To Support Her Goals – Even when they are to destroy you
Chapter 7: To Honor and Respect Her – Be creative. Use your imagination.
Chapter 8: To Laugh with Her and Cry with Her – And make her believe like you mean it
Chapter 9: To Cherish Her – Yes, even more than sports.
Chapter 10: As Long as You Both Shall Live – The real bad news
Chapter 11: We won’t live forever – There is hope
Introduction: Her ways and thoughts are higher than yours
I don’t understand females. I can understand both integral and differential calculus, I can understand stock tickers, and I’m starting to understand tax laws – but I can’t understand females. Many strategists, from Sun Tzu to Machiavelli advise that you must know your opponent – and they’re talking about someone you don’t live with. What more marriage??? We need to know our opponent…err… partner.
To prove my point,
You come home from work and you’ve had a long day. Suddenly your wife shouts, “Honey, is that you?”
What do you answer?
She answers, “Come up I have something
to ask you”
She answers, “Liar. I know it’s you.
Come up I need to ask you
She asks you, “Should I wear the black dress or the orange one?”
If you say the black one:
She answers, “Why not the orange one? I kinda
like the orange one.
If you say the orange one:
She answers, “Why not the black one? I kinda
like the black one.
If you answer that black suits her:
She answers: “So orange doesn’t suit me?
If you answer that orange suits her:
She answers: “So black doesn’t suit me?
If you answer orange suits her:
She answers: “Then why’d you pick black?
If you answer black suits her:
She answers: “Then why’d you pick orange?
Fast-forward to a few minutes later…
She answers: “Are you trying to tell me I’m fat?”
One moment you’re enjoying a peaceful drive home enjoying wonderful music from your iPod, and the next thing you know you find yourself in the eye of a storm. I wrote this book for you – exactly you. A lot of lives were sacrificed in the production of this book. A lot of lives lost in the name of research. But they did not die in vain. We will not let that happen.
To be honest, no one died. Two key sources: Pastor Paolo and Carlos are still very much alive. Of course they’ll deny they had any role in this book.
That’s where it ended. I gave in to political pressure. And the fear that the hand that buys my peanut butter may never show itself again if I bite it. But I guess the main reason I had to stop was the thought that should I wake up one day hopelessly in love I would have shot myself on the foot with a book like this. I’m pretty much starting from negative as it is. I’m sorry guys, you’ll have to figure it out on your own.