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NOTE: Before I continue, while I use masculine pronouns, this in no way means I’m automatically referring to men unless explicitly done so. These days, with all the sensitive people, one must be extra politically correct. (I’m mocking political correctness, in case my sarcasm is missed, as happens many times in writing.)
Also, because quite a few people got offended with the directness of my post on Getting a Life (as I thought would happen), I’ve decided to make these posts more about “How I went about things” and “How I would do / redo things”. If you don’t like what you’re reading, just leave the site. No need to whine little boy / little girl.
This morning, May 1, Labor Day, a holiday, I woke up at 6am, a little later than usual, to go through the events of the day. With the office closed, I set aside time to do a lot of catching up, particularly with my fitness goals, work priorities which include our upcoming investment round and board meeting, a moment to connect with new friends (Yasmin and I have been trying to spend more time with older couples), and some “home work”. There’s a lot of literal homework going on as we prepare for our baby, a son, for those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook or Instagram. We’re moving things, packing things, selling and giving things, as we make space for another human. I also wanted to continue on a painting I started but I simply don’t have time today. After devotions and before going to the gym, I wanted some time to write this piece on embracing one’s role. Needless to say, I have a very packed “free day”, and that’s not a bad thing. I don’t remember the last time I didn’t have anything to do, when waking up early was not an option, and it’s not because I have people breathing down my neck, but because of two words: Roles and Responsibilities.
A person who “has a life” embaces his roles and understands his responsibilities.
Let’s start with Roles
At the start of this year, I made a mind map of my priorities for the year. I didn’t start with “What do I want to do?” or “What’s my passion project for 2017?”, but a simple listing down of what my roles are. When I was a child, my role was very undefined and limited to mostly playing and hopefully behaving. When I became a student, that became my defining role, and with it came responsibilities such as learning and getting good grades. When I got to college, along with the continuing responsibilities of a student, I also could fulfill other roles that opened up as my abilities improved. For example, since I could drive already, I could go to the store and pick things up for my parents. I also started my first “business” when I was 16 (if you could call it that), and with the new role, again, I had new responsibilities to customers and suppliers. When I graduated and started working with Dr. Joey Castro, the founder of the Real LIFE Foundation, I added the role of Executive Director for a very small salary, which my dad explained to me, came with the role of being in a startup program. After this, when I took over an ailing company, I took on a CEO role, which sounds more impressive that it really was because the company was hemorrhaging cash. It’s in this period that I learned NOT to put too much emphasis on the title but on the requirements and responsibilities of the role. For me, during that period, I needed to stabilize cash flow, reduce expenses, and pay of debt. I wasn’t a CEO on a private jet. I was a CEO using public transportation because the role I was in needed a level of frugality to keep us alive. I would take on more business and non-profit roles, requiring different behaviors, different skills, and bringing different responsibilities. Some were fun immediately fun and rewarding, others have been a continuous slog, but all have been contributive in their own way.
These days, I am now having to integrate two very important, in fact, most important, roles to an already busy life: Husband and Father. They’re not easy because these roles are highly emotional and require more than discipline and efficiency. They require patience, kindness, generosity, humility, selflessness, gentleness, politeness, truthfulness, or in short, in requires love. Nothing has shown me how selfish and unloving I can be than having to live with someone – for the rest of my life. I’m glad I married Yasmin, who is not just extremely beautiful, but loving, kind hearted, funny, and can cook! The thought of ending up with someone horrible sends shivers down my spine. I’m glad that I’m adjusting to this new role with someone as patient as Yasmin. In a week’s time, May 7, we would have been married for 1 year. I marveled at how fast time flew. My friends marveled at how Yasmin was able to take me for a year. I marvel at that too.
Because it hasn’t been an easy adjustment for me. It must have been extremely difficult for Yasmin to adjust to me. Our friend, Jay Rod, commented yesterday, “I spent the afternoon with David and Yasmin, and David is really tiring.” I have to admit that I can be. It’s the problem with intensity and energy are mixed together in one person, that helps a lot at work, but it’s something that needs better management now that I’m married. I have a different role with Yasmin, and I need to adjust. This role doesn’t require me to hit sales targets. It requires that I make Yasmin feel loved. This is harder than it sounds because “feeling loved” isn’t a measurable thing. Sometimes I wish someone would invent an objective measure of love, but then love would lose its dynamism. I’m learning that fulfillment in a relationship is not something you can copy off a book or Instragram (this part I knew at least), but something two people have to calibrate, something two people have to learn when they vow to take on the roles of husband and wife.
And now, I’m going to be a father. I’m both excited and terrified. The stakes with this one are so high. Parenting is the greatest role on Earth, and I’m happy I get to fulfill the part with the most beautiful person in the world. I’ve been reading books and articles on parenting, on baby formation, on pregnancies, on the meaning of names, on baby stuff, on early childhood development. I’ve been running the numbers on how much it’s going to cost. (How does such a tiny thing cost so much???!!!) It’s yet another role I need to play. Maybe play is the wrong word, when the roles I’m talking about, particularly the roles of husband and father, are incredibly serious.
The next part of this series talks about the Responsibilities that come with our life’s Roles, but for now I have a simple point: All of us has a role, a part to play. They start very small and simple. For some of us, it’s to be a great student. It’s to take each class seriously. It’s to help around the house. For some of us, it’s that and to put our siblings to school because of a financial difficulty. For others, it’s to babysit, it’s to work summer jobs, and it’s to ace night school. For some of us, it’s to save a family business, or find a job, or keep a job. For some of us it’s to come up with killer marketing campaigns, it’s to design websites, and sell products. For some of us it’s to manage the accounts, it’s to make sure recruitment is working, or security is tight. For some of us, it’s to help our teams win, to stay fit, to practice. Everyone has different roles, that while similar to others, are different depending on the circumstances you find yourself in. I had to take on a tough business role at a young age. It wasn’t ideal. It wasn’t lucrative. It wasn’t fair. But it the role required filling, and I filled it.
When I look at the most secure people I know, when I look at the most impressive people I know, I find that the security wasn’t some natural or magical endowment, but rather an achievement that came from embracing the role presented to them that needed filling. Too many people are looking for that thing they love to get their life going when there’s a family at home that requires a helping hand, an encouraging member, and source of joy, there’s a piece of homework that needs excellence, a lecture that needs mastering, and an objective that needs achieving. People are always looking at some future opportunity, some lottery win, or praying for some open door, when a door was flung wide open, and the path made so clear the day they were born. All they need to do is to embrace what they have now and commit to executing even the most simple roles in most excellent ways.
Every now and then, I’ll pick a question (or a comment) and answer it on my blog. Today’s question is about how this person, let’s call her Drama Queen 1 (as I expect there to be more drama queens) feels bad about not fitting in, and what advice I would give her.
The simple answer is: Get a life. But while that makes perfect sense, in this highly-sensitive world we live in with people who aren’t equipped to process any truth when delivered offensively, I will provide an inefficiently long explanation.
First of all, why does one feel bad about NOT fitting in? Why does one feel bad at all? Many times, we feel bad when we don’t get what we want. When we feel bad that we don’t fit in, it reveals a desire to fit in. We feel bad because want to fit in, we want to feel accepted, we want to be validated by a certain person or group, and we want to be acknowledged, and we don’t get it. But this is where a little deep thinking would help us a lot if we would only do so. Why do we want to fit in so much with others who don’t care about us? Why is the opinion of others about us so all-important? Why is the rejection of people who probably aren’t really objectively that important to our existence so painful to bear?
Why do we want the acceptance of people who probably don’t deserve our attention anyway?
It’s because we’re empty. And it’s because we’re unthinking. We’re empty and believe we need other people to fill us. And we’re unthinking that we don’t question our belief that the acceptance of others will fill us when over and over history, and many times our own experiences have told us it’s not true.
There is no logic to people who are empty wanting their validation buckets filled with other empty people.
Instead, stop expecting others to fill you and feeling bad about it. Take responsibility for your own validation by “getting a life”.
What is a life?
Here’s a simplification of what having a life is:
– Someone who embraces his Role
– Someone who understands his Responsibility
– Someone who optimizes his Routine
– Someone who cultivates healthy Relationships
– Someone who pursues his Reason
– Someone who honestly Reflects
– Someone who humbly Repents
– Someone who achieves Results
– Someone who is generous with Rewards
And this is the beginning of a new series about “getting a life”, not the entitled, nanny-cultured, politically-correct, but a breakdown of the qualities above.
Many Weak Well-Meaning Parents Today
Now I want to explain the title. Parents play an incredibly key role in the development of their child. This should go without saying, but who knows what people actually agree with these days.
Note: Before you discount my thoughts on this on the account that I don’t have kids, remember that both Jesus and Paul, both of whom we get a lot of family wisdom from, both were unmarried and had no kids (though one could argue “the church is the bride of Christ” and “we are His children”, but the simple point is you don’t need to be a philosopher to think. In fact it matters that no matter who or what you are that you develop objective critical thinking or you become the opposite of someone who cannot objectively critically think: ignorant.
I believe that the main role of a parent is to provide loving training for their kids. By training, I don’t mean a narrow interpretation of manners, maths and sciences, tennis camps, and Sunday school. By training, I believe that the parents play an incredibly important role in Preparing Their Sons and Daughters for Liberty. What does this mean? It means preparing them to appreciate their liberty (they can choose), preparing them to harness their liberty (by making wise choices), and preparing them to enjoy their liberty (particularly through the fulfilling activities of improving oneself and loving others).
By training their kids to appreciate their liberty, if taught properly, they will also teach their kids to appreciate the liberties of others. Appreciating someone else’s liberty does not mean agreeing with their choices. It also does not mean you have to tolerate all their choices. It does mean you:
a. Understand that everyone is free to choose, including choose things I don’t agree with.
b. Understand the distinction between free choices (non-illegal choices that are more informally influenced by society) and illegal choices (choices that break the law which the government punishes you for). If I decide to have my underwear over my jeans, I would not be breaking any government rules. I would be challenging “social rules” and could be laughed at, passed-over for a promotion, and get no loving from my wife. But the reality is, in places where this is not illegal, such as my own private property, or even public spaces where it’s ok, I have the liberty to do so. But just as real, are the social consequences, such as repetitional costs, of choosing such a fashion statement. Now if I decide to take drugs, I get punished by the law if caught. I find that even “Christian” parents don’t understand that law-breaking sons and daughters will suffer the consequences of the law, and if they don’t, if they routinely break the law and are spared from the consequences of it because of some family tie or influence (as happens in the Philippines), not only is this unproductive, but unjust, and shows a significant brokenness in our justice system and understanding of justice. It doesn’t matter how many times a day we cry, fast, and pray for a better world, if we practice or promote injustice, we will reap injustice.
c. Understand that since everyone is free, controlling and coercing others to do what you want is not appreciating liberty, but we “control” others by “controlling” ourselves. We influence how others use their liberty by using our own wisely. I cannot control what my boss’s salary scales are, I can control who my boss is, where I work, the excellence of my work, and the impact of my work. How do I control myself? By choosing wisely. By not letting my choices be arbitrarily made by my reactions and appetites nor someone else’s, but being objective, being discerning, and being teachable. This is how we harness our liberty, and we must, because we’re free to choose but not free to choose our consequences.
Teaching kids these things requires parents to be informed on these topics as well. One cannot train their child to harness their liberty wisely if one does not know what liberty, wisdom, choice, and the role they plays in free society. This was probably not as required in a simpler world with limited influences. But in today’s multichannel, multi-message, and multi-influence world, parents need to be more deliberate with their own content and their own influence. Before, parents knew exactly what their kids learned because they were the primary teachers. Then they still knew exactly what they learned because they knew the village school-house teacher or the community priest. Today, kids are absorbing information from unlimited sources – sources many parents have no clue about and cannot control completely. Training a child to make wise choices in this age of unlimited choices is more important than ever.
But you cannot train people to be wise and critical thinking in a nanny-cultured, kiddy-gloved, superstitious environment. You will not be successful in training your kids to hunger for growth when your home is too comfortable. It just won’t happen. There’s a reason why statistics show that 3rd generation wealth runs out. You will not train hope in someone who has an silver-spooned life, which Warren Buffer calls a silver dagger to the back. The Bible already gives a clear path to hope, and it’s through suffering, perseverance, and character building. Yet you have parents so preoccupied with giving everything to their kids and feeling bad when they can’t afford things for them. Are they better parents for doing so? No. They’re not thinking. They’re seeing society and they’re starting with that. They’re not starting with an examined decision on what they should do to raise a person who is mature enough to handle the real world, not our man-made bubbles, but the real world that is both beautiful and dark, by making the right choices, even difficult right choices. You will not teach your kids how to make a stand, how to live by their convictions, if you’re too afraid of being rejected by them when you do a right thing that offends them.
This article is long enough, but I’d like to underscore a simple point: unthinking parents who do not train themselves for liberty by defining their principles and developing disciplines, will have a difficult time raising sons and daughters prepared for liberty. It doesn’t matter what the commercial says, your son’s future does not depend too much on how white his uniform is but on how wise his decisions are.
I realized that more and more kids will struggle with “wanting to fit in” because too many parents have not outgrown wanting to fit in themselves.