Don’t Marry A Woman Who…

I get asked a lot of questions. I don’t mind at all. My email is pretty public and I actually think it’s good that people are asking questions, questions are good. I can’t say and I won’t say that my answers are always correct, they’re my opininos, and like I keep saying on this blog, you have a mind, use it.

I get asked a lot about “my type”. Looking back at the females I’ve been attracted to, I can’t say I have a single type but I think what I want is being refined.

At the moment, “my type”, what I want, is peace and quiet when I get home so I can work, read, study, paint, or do one of the many amazing things a person can do with his or her life instead of wondering about who will complete their life.

But because you keep asking, and because I haven’t finished my other post on what kind of lady is wife material, I’m making a list of MY don’ts. I want to make it clear that these are MY don’ts, not the thoughts of any of the institutions I’m connected with.

If my opinion offends you, the good news is, again, you have a mind – your own – so use it instead of relying on mine or anyone else’s. Learn from others, yes. But think for yourself.

Anyway, here we go. David, don’t marry a woman who…

You don’t love and don’t trust. 

And don’t marry someone who doesn’t love and trust you.

What? That’s it?

Yes.

So many articles out there on what kind of person to marry, on compatibility and incompatibility, on criteria, on so many things but these two essentials.

To love someone is to be patient, kind, gentle, not be envious, not be boastful, not be proud, not be rude, not be self-seeking, not be easily angered, and because we’re all journeying (hopefully) towards this ideal not keep a record of wrongs, not to delight in evil, to rejoice in the truth, and to TRUST, hope, and persevere.

I don’t believe that everyone understands this. I don’t believe everyone is interested in committing to this. (Obviously, I’m not at the moment.) Too many people are enamoured with the minor and don’t invest in the major (that’s my next post by the way). That’s why we need to choose well.

I was talking to a friend who wanted to propose but told me he didn’t have enough money to give her something special, I told him, “You’re promising her your life and your love. If that’s not enough for her, you should leave her. You don’t want to be married to someone like that.”

I don’t want to be married to someone who needs a rock (like diamonds), or a piece of metal (like watches), or fabric (like clothes), to be convinced of my love. If I do get married, I want someone who’s happy to have me in her life. Period. Because she understands the life, my life, is way more precious than any rock, metal, fabric, or trip.

I like giving gifts anyway. But these should be extras not fundamental proof of love. Isn’t marketing great?

Marry someone you love and trust and marry someone who trusts and loves you.

When I read some of the questions I wonder how our thinking became so weird (which I should know given my opinions actually sound weird to most people), but underneath the inquiries is a very plain fear that’s needing assurance from, of all people, the most credible ones, bloggers like me.

HAHA! I’m being completely sarcastic.

We only share our opinions – you need to develop your own mind.

I’m surprised at how many “experts” think relationships can be built without trust as a foundation and love as motivation. I’m a known non-expert and I understand this. What happened to the so-called-experts? So much emphasis on techniques and “pa-cute” when the most basic is absent. Just as strengthening the beams of building won’t stop it from crumbling when things shake, a relationship without trust and love won’t last – no matter what anyone says.

The start of love is a miracle. The sustaining of love is a personal discipline. I don’t believe that miracles cannot be lost. Yes they can. When we fail to value the miracles in our life, and fail to protect them with  personal discipline, we lose them.

Since you keep asking, here are some suggestions on how to attract an amazing partner. Given that I’m the one writing and not known for actually succeeding in this department, I suggest asking future questions of this nature to my brothers, Joseph or Joshua, who actually have the credibility.

My basic thought is: don’t spend too much time on the minor things but develop the major areas such as your mind, your soul, your spirit, and your body as well. Here are some ways:

1. Don’t waste your time trying to attract people – most people don’t think. So if you try to attract people who don’t think, you’ll end up doing thoughtless things. Instead, really look inside you at what God has placed in your heart to do, which I hope is WAY BIGGER than God’s perfect choice. Sometimes people forget that God actually has equipped us with a special tool to know what’s right, it’s called the mind. So sharpen it. Don’t just use it for storage. Make it a weapon. Your parents told you this when they said to get good at listening and learning. Time to listen. Time to learn.

If you’re trying to attract people because you need validation, then you’re going to be a Venus Fly Trap. You’re going to be bad for them. How can you say you love someone when you’re only going to use them? When being near you means ruining their life?

Attractiveness should be an outcome of a life well-lived, NOT simply the manipulations of Facebook profile photos taken in good light, press releases, and deliberate “cool” actions.

2. Ask a lot of questions. Ask the right questions. Ask the right people. Make your own conclusions – when I read many of the articles of successful people, I always notice the variety of ways people have taken to succeed. God has so richly designed life that every path, no matter how unique, can be a path of fulfilment and joy. Discovery is really an important part of every person’s journey. So ask a lot of questions, and go deeper by asking the right questions and asking the right people.

Sometimes I find we ask the wrong questions so we get unsatisfactory answers. For example, “is she the one?” the better question is “Do I love her?” and follow this up with “Do I trust her?”Asking the right questions frames our mind to identify the factors that are priority. Asking, “Do I love her?” gets us thinking about the commitment 1 Corinthians 13 asks us to make. “Do I trust her?” gets us thinking about whether we actually want to wrap our lives.

One super dumb question is this “Do you think she’s the one for me?” If you need someone else to figure this out for you, you shouldn’t go forward. You’re going to feed this girl and take care of her. You’re going to cultivate her and put up with her crap – figurative and literal. You better know, know for yourself, that you love and trust this girl. 

Better yet ask people about their experiences, keeping in mind that every experience is unique but can be gleaned from. Ask, “How do you know you love someone?” or “How did you know that you loved your wife?” or “What are good areas to look at that reveal trustworthiness?”

And, my opinion, don’t marry a girl who needs to ask her “leader” if she loves you.

I’m sure you’ll find what I found. All the best love stories have this in common – they’re all different.

You’ll also find another similarity, they all concluded, for themselves, that they would love and trust each other.

3. Be yourself and be the best version of yourself. It’s the only way to sustain credibility – helping others become the best version of themselves is one of my life’s passions. Life’s just too short to waste in mediocrity. The time spent bumming around and pining away could have been used to developing one’s self into an amazing person.

Let me give you an example, if you memorized one poem a week, which isn’t hard, you would have memorized 52 poems at the end of 1 year. 52 poems! If you did the same thing with a verse, you would have memorized 52 verses as well. If you keep doing this for 10 years, you would have memorized 520 verses plus 520 poems. If you start when you’re 18, you’ll only be 28 and younger than me by a year. how many 28 year olds do you know memorize 520 poems and verses?

People ask me how I’m able to read and learn and do so much, and the simple answer is I choose a target, break it down, and pursue it in increments.

When we realize that amazing things are built in increments and deliberately and incrementally pursue our personal development we find ourselves growing in the areas we spend time on. Instead of wasting your time away, grow yourself incrementally.

Being yourself doesn’t mean doing whatever you want. I hear people always say “I’m just being myself” to excuse their mediocrity. NO. You’re not JUST being yourself, you’re being like most everyone else. And guess what? Being like everyone else means you don’t stand out. You’re supposed to be unique. You are unique. But being self-centered and selfish doesn’t make you unique. It makes you self-centered and selfish – like most people – so you ruin your uniqueness. I once told someone, “You should put an RT in front of your name because there’s nothing original about you.” Everything she did, everything she seemed interested in, seemed like a retweet of some tastemaker.

If you’re just as foolish as everyone else, or as religious as everyone else, or just copy what everyone else thinks is cool or trendy or fashionable, then you’re just like everyone else. If everyone else is really so amazing, then why does “cool” keep changing? Why change something amazing? It’s not as amazing as we think, that’s why we look for the new. Don’t ever think that just because something is new it’s amazing. It could be just new.

If you really want to stand out and sustain credibility be the best version of yourself.

4. Get good at creating value – make your life count by spending your days making the lives of others better. Be the type of person who infects others with passion and excellence, who makes people feel welcome, who inspires them to reach higher than they’ve ever thought possible. Actually help people make more money, learn more about good habits, discover more about God, make others laugh, advice them on their careers. There are so many examples but the point is simple: be a person who brings value to the lives of others. A value is simply something of worth, to bring value to the lives of others means to bring meaningful things to their lives.

Let’s get practical. Start at home. Before you go out making pa-cute, bring real value to your parents, siblings, and household. Honor your father and mother, and serve them. Bring value to their lives. Even if you don’t get along with them you can serve them. Pray for your parents and your siblings, do the same for your maids. Serve your maids and drivers.

Serve my maids and drivers??

Yes. That’s practice. That’s how you get good at creating value – when you can create value for the people others think are lower because you understand they’re just as valuable as you. When you treat people as valuable, you will offer them something valuable as well.

Those are a few things you can do to attract the opposite gender. I know it’s not like a bunch of the blogs out there that tell you “how to act” or “what kind of person to marry”. I disagree with most of those ideas anyway. They fail to include the complexity and diversity of life. Not everyone will grow up with the luxuries that religious idealism preaches. And that’s ok. Because everyone, from whatever starting point they’re coming from can journey towards their best version of themselves.

Maybe, as you offer the world your best, as you honor God with your best, you’ll meet someone who is offering the world her best as well. You’ll be lucky to have someone who’s been developing herself and she’ll be lucky to have you. It will be undeniable.

And if not, if you live the rest of your life like my current state, that’s not bad at all. Humanity is better off that you’re single anyway because humanity gets all of the best version of you.