Because It’s Mine
Today, is my 3rd anniversary.
Last night, I turned to my wife, “Yasmin, we’ve been married three years. We made it.” She replied, “I guess this is still better than when you told me that only three months after our wedding!” Those who know me, know that this kind of relationship has never been an area of particular success, and I’m quite proud of the progress I’ve had over the last few years, even if they’ve been baby steps. What accounts for my improved results in being in a relationship? (This has been my longest relationship by far!)
But one thing that helped me a lot is calibrating my perspective
It isn’t that the situations our relationship finds itself in are incredibly amazing. In many ways, on paper, you’d be forgiven for thinking our situation is quite complex, even very complex. For starters, I’ve never been successful in any of my past relationships. Yasmin is divorced. We have incredibly different backgrounds and personalities given our cultural differences, upbringing differences, and seven year age gap. We have a twenty year old son (from her previous marriage) and a one year old son. Both our parents live in far away cities (mine in Singapore and Yasmin’s in London), meaning we take care of most things ourselves. While work has been rewarding and is extremely exciting, my businesses, particularly the startup social impact company Bridge, demand a lot of time and financial investment, meaning very long hours for me at work and Yasmin holding the fort at home, as well as, super tight budgets.
Just a few days ago, Yasmin, was telling me of how her friend has nearly double the grocery budget we have with less mouths to feed. I replied with, “They’re also fatter than us and obviously not thinking about university in England!” Seeing only double the food budget may make us feel like someone has it better than us, but when we change our perspective, based on our own realities, meaning the realities of life, the realities of our specific situation, and realities of our own goals, we find that there’s no reason to compare, because even if we did, we don’t share the same financial realities (they have more spending power than we do), we don’t view life’s realities the same (we don’t think quality of life is about being able to acquire and experience things), and we don’t share the goals (such as the same health goals and the same educational goals), so we allocate resources differently.
It’s very important to constantly be calibrating our perspective A lot of what we think are actual are usually our perceptions, which are usually incomplete perceptions. Just like the grocery budget example. On one hand, relative to her friend, we have a smaller budget. Viewed from that perspective, we would feel poorer. Viewed from someone with a budget smaller than ours, we would feel richer. Viewed from someone who values low-cost spending, we would be viewed as thrift. Viewed from someone who values amazing eating experiences, we would be viewed as missing-out, or even cheap. Viewed from someone into achieving low body fat, we would be viewed as healthy. So what are we? Are we poor? Are we rich? Are we thrift? Are we cheap? Are we missing-out? Are we healthy? What are we?
We are all of them and we are neither of them. The perspective changes the reality. If you listen to everyone’s perspective on you, to everyone’s opinion on who you should be, what you should be doing, and what you should not be doing, you will get lost, you will go nuts, you will fail to win any of their approval, and you will end up a failure and discouraged. I see this all the time. People bench-marking the quality of their lives, their relationships, their careers, their experiences against the realities of other people, and finding themselves failures and discouraged.
But, of course. You took your reality and judged it by someone else’s reality. You judged the soccer math by how low-scoring it is compared to a basketball game. You were aiming for a high score not realising you’re playing golf (where low scores are better).
To help you clarify your view of realities, I suggest reflecting on these questions:
- What is our purpose?
Too many times, I hear religious people say, “To honour God.” Without really know what the statement even means. Think through the question. What is the purpose of your lives? Of your partnerships? If the purpose of our union is truly “To Honour God” then why do the bulk of our resources go to material pleasures?
- Given our purpose, what principles do we need to live by to satisfy our purpose?
It’s one thing to know your purpose, it’s another thing to understand how to make that purpose a reality. Anyone can say, “It’s my mission to build a successful business.” Anyone who has tried will tell you that it’s incredibly difficult. Why? Certain principles need to be satisfied. In business, you have things like product-market fit, cash flow, and competition. Health will have its own principles governing it. Relationships too. Whatever your purpose is, it’s important that you understand the principles that govern the reality of your goals.
The Tale of the Rose
There’s a famous scene from The Little Prince where the Prince says:
“You’re beautiful, but you’re empty…One couldn’t die for you. Of course, an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than all of you together, since she’s the one I’ve watered. Since she’s the one I put under glass, since she’s the one I sheltered behind the screen. Since she’s the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except the two or three butterflies). Since she’s the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she’s my rose.”
What he was saying was, in the surface, while all roses may look alike, it’s the rose that you cared for that is most special, not so much because it’s superior to the others, but it’s the one you poured your heart into.
I think two of the most dangerous things destroying our success and satisfaction today are an inability to understand the reality of our specific situation and an inability to appreciate the unique beauty of our specific situation. We keep benchmarking our Rose against other roses. We keep forgetting that all the amazing qualities of all the roses in the world will pale in comparison to the one quality our Rose already has, that it is the rose that’s ours.
Funnily enough, The Little Prince was written by a notorious adulterer, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. His life story is an amazing read. (I have a soft spot for risk-taking, unconventional, creatives artists.) But his marriage was tumultuous. Both he and his wife, Consuelo, were free spirits, both artists, both unfaithful, and ultimately both hurt over and over. But Saint-Exupéry’s conclusion is incredibly insightful, just like Solomon, after partaking of much of what the world has to offer, he realized that what made Consuelo special was that she was his. He immortalised his realisation in his book, The Little Prince.
Despite their tumultuous relationship, Antoine kept Consuelo close to his heart. She is the likely inspiration of the major character in The Little Prince, the prince’s ‘flower’, identified as The Rose, whom he protects under glass and with a windscreen on his tiny planet which is named Asteroid B-612.
The Prince’s home asteroid also possesses three tiny volcanoes, likely inspired by Consuelo’s home country El Salvador, i.e. by the three volcanoes in the Cordillera de Apaneca volcanic range complex, which are directly visible from Consuelo’s home town. The two active volcanoes were inspired by Santa Ana Volcano and the famous conical shaped Izalco (volcano), which at the time was active spewing ash and lava when Antoine visited Consuelo’s small town in El Salvador, the dormant volcano is Cerro Verde.
Saint-Exupéry’s infidelity and doubts about his marriage are symbolised by the field of roses the Prince encounters during his visit to Earth. In the novella, The Fox tells The Prince that his Rose is unique and special, because she is the one whom he loves.
Because It’s Mine
I don’t know how many times I’ve questioned myself, asking things like, “Why is my life so hard?” Or “Why am I still in this marriage?” Or “Why is this other person’s situation always better?” Or “Why are our finances so tight?” Or “Should I be taking this much risk?” Or a thousand other questions that don’t really sit for an answer but just weigh my soul. But like a giant broom that sweeps away all those doubts, I remind myself, “David, this is your life. This is your mission. This is your wife. This is your son. This is your team. This is your reality. These are all yours. That’s why they’re special. Now go treat them as they should be, as incomparably special.”
The most beautiful things in life, the most beautiful relationships, the most beautiful careers, the most beautiful achievements don’t begin with auspicious signs and everything in order. One just needs to read about pretty much every successful person to know they many times started with the opposite conditions. The common denominator in all success stories is an extreme level of ownership, that what I have, no matter how small it is right now, no matter how unimpressive, is special because it is mine.